Where I've Been

It seems like in my life, God is always teaching me about control. About how I really have none and to free myself from all kinds of stress, I have to surrender it to Him.
I've always struggled, especially since I've had children, with worry. I worry about so many things, then I worry that I'll pass this on to my children. I worry so much that over the past couple of years, I've struggled with an occasional rapid heartbeat that the doctor could only conclude was due to a build-up of a stress hormone. I never thought that I'd be the kind of person you'd find breathing into a paper bag.
Anyway, around Christmas, I was feeling so in control. I was having all kinds of domestic fun (my favorite kind) and had all of these plans for the new year. My plans did not include another baby right now. But on the day after New Year's I found out that I am expecting again. This came as a huge shock to my husband and I. While we've always wanted more kids, this was a little sooner than we'd planned. I found my head swimming with all sorts of emotions. The biggest one was fear. I was scared of the morning sickness, of neglecting my children during the rough spots, and of just trying to manage with another baby.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed. But, I am a child of God and I found myself remembering truths from His Word that were such an encouragement. One of the very first things I did after I found out was pray for God's grace. I pleaded with God on my bathroom floor for His grace and mercy. Although I'm not deserving of it, He gave it to me. He has been so faithful to me through all of this. I have been so humbled by what God has done in my life through this unexpected blessing. To Him be the glory.
So that is where I've been. I wasn't sure if I should be honest about this for fear that someone would judge me for not simply embracing and rejoicing about this obvious gift in my life. However, I'm not perfect and I'm just so thankful that God takes me as I am. He didn't turn His back on me when I was struggling to accept His plan. He has brought me to a place of rejoicing from a place of fear and dread. I thank Him for His patience and faithfulness to me. I'm not in control, but my Heavenly Father is.