Success!

When you're a mommy, you are constantly evaluating yourself.  The burdens we have when raising children can be heavy, and how you measure success on this journey can either lessen your load or add to it.  I speak from experience, because I have done more adding to my burdens with unnecessary worrying about my job performance than I care to admit. 

I found this note on the fridge this morning from a child who struggles to obey.  It was such a bright spot, and got me to thinking about that question "Am I doing anything right?!" that plague our mommy minds.

There is love there....

Love for mom and dad, and his Heavenly Father who loves him more than we ever can.

So friends, stop worrying.  Love your children and be a reflection of God's love, and you can call that success I'm sure.

Getting Some Perspective...Once Again.

Losing sight of the goal in parenting can really make you feel despair. I had a day last week where I forgot what my objective was. It seemed all day I was quietly labeling my children as rotten, because there had been so much disobedience. I complained to my husband about them when he got home. Then when all were in bed and one little straggler was resisting sleep, I'd had enough. Rotten, rotten, rotten. I escaped to my bedroom where God graciously brought my thoughts back to where they needed to be. Suddenly it hit me. Why did I want my children to obey? I realized that I was focusing on obedience for convenience sake. When they obey, it makes things easier on me. When they don't deliver, then they are bad and I must be a failure for not getting through to them. And then, there at the very bottom, the only thing left for me to do is demand justice. Someone must pay, whether it is the kids for their mistakes, or me for mine.


It was so humbling for me to come to this realization. What am I hoping to raise? Children who are sinners yet see their need for a Savior? Or little people-pleasers who are self-righteously obeying authority for appearance sake? I want a heart change in my children. Disobedience is a window into what is going on in my children's hearts. It is an opportunity to teach them truth.


When my perspective had changed, I was able to see that I had not been trusting God for my children's lives. Right now, day after day of the same struggles, it is easy to feel like I am not making any progress. However, God is at work, and He will put my feeble attempts to good use. I had forgotten that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Believing that He will equip me to train my children helps keep my perspective right where it should be.

Remembering What Makes a Good Day

This week I've found myself very far behind in the laundry and housework. Home projects and time in the garden have taken priority.
Having so many little ones sometimes means waiting until nap time to even try to do housework.

I had a few moments of desperation this morning, but as the afternoon wore on, I began to think about what I had accomplished.

I made play-dough, read two stories to the babies, and marveled at a sleeping kitty in the doll stroller. You would think that with as many kids as I have I would understand what qualifies as a good day, but I am still trying to learn that one.

A successful day lies in being available to the little ones, not how many things I checked off my list. People are more important than things.

Reflections on the Birth of a Boy

My oldest son turned six today...six! I simply can't believe it. When I was pregnant with him, having had a girl first, I couldn't imagine what loving a boy would be like. I'll never forget getting to know him at the hospital during the hours after he was born. Nursing him in the dark while my husband slept in the chair next to me, it happened. I fell in love. I will never forget what he looked like. He was tiny, and his little head popped out of the tightly-wrapped white hospital blanket. That little head was covered in perfectly spiked black hair. I can remember just staring at him; he was just beautiful.

Today we celebrated his birth with a breakfast of cinnamon rolls he requested, a picnic lunch at the park, and dinner out with some friends. There were gifts, but this one had to wait. I'll be finishing it up tomorrow.

I'm so very thankful for this sweet, adventurous boy. His zest for life is inspiring and addictive. What a gift he is!

Permission to Throw in the Towel

Math has always been a difficult thing for me to teach, and it was never my favorite subject in school. In the first grade, I remember having trouble counting by two's. I just didn't understand the point of it all, and the teacher was less than patient. She was standing over me with a mad face, trying to get me to understand. I think about that often when I'm trying to help my little girl with math. She's like I was, good at reading, writing, and spelling. Math is a little tougher for her; and you'd think I'd understand and just be sweet and patient and make her some cookies and milk. But sometimes I get frustrated when she doesn't get it, and I just don't know how to help her.

We were having a rough time one day last week while I was going over some new material in preparation for our homeschool testing this week. She just didn't get it, and I was resembling that teacher from the first grade. I was trying to make her understand something she just wasn't ready for. How unfair. If six year old me was standing there, she would've kicked me in the rear.

Well, we took a break, then I decided to throw in the towel. I left the kitchen in a mess and books all over the table, and we took off- out to lunch and to a pond at a local high school to feed the ducks. It was just the ticket. I like to be real with people, so I'll say that our little trip wasn't without frustrations. I had to tell Maggie to sit down three times during lunch, and Jack stepped in the pond after I warned him many times to be careful. That being said, it was a refreshing time.

From now on, I plan to give myself permission to push the books aside. Math will always be around; it will be here when my little girl is ready to conquer it. She, however, is growing up, and I want to remember to spend precious time with my children now.

The Best Person Ever

My daughter wrote me this note one night after I had been sick all day. It says she thinks I'm the best person ever. When my children say things like that, it makes me want to really live up to it. However, we all know that those kinds of expectations are unreasonable. Our children already think we're the greatest even though we are filthy stinking sinners that mess up day after day. These little ones know how to give us grace and offer unconditional love with no strings attached. I can learn so much from this.

Grace has become a part of my daily vocabulary. It seems that it is needed in very practical ways in my life as a mother. I was talking to a dear friend on Facebook the other day about rough weeks and feeling unworthy for motherhood. Maybe we can feel unworthy because we are unworthy. I didn't do anything to deserve this wonderful job I have. A job that I always wanted no less. We all have days where we feel completely unqualified to be a mom. The reality of being unworthy should not translate into feelings of guilt or despair. If God is gracious enough to bless us with these children, then surely He will give us the grace we need to bring them up. Grace to know how to train them, to love them, to give up control to Him, and grace to let go of guilt when we mess up.

My daughter will remember that I make the best tea in the world. Above all though, I hope she remembers that I lived a life that shone of the grace of the Almighty, and that these good things in me were only because of His work in my heart.

The Evils of Comparison

As mothers and homemakers, we are very familiar with juggling the balls and wearing the many hats we wear. Sometimes though, something can interrupt that delicate balance. I've had some days like that lately. The interruption for me came when one child was particularly disobedient and the whole day was a turmoil. Then, the following day was a turmoil. I should also add, that this came on the tail end of feeling guilty for things. Things like putting the baby in the play pen to try to get things done, letting my two year old watch Dora for the tenth time, serving another frozen meal. I was just feeling like a bad parent. Sound like a pity party? Yes, but I'm just being honest. Can I just say how incredibly hard it is to school your children with a two year old and a baby in the house? It is so hard. The thing is, I am good at doing the "suck it up and move on" when it comes to the hard things. That works for me. What was so different about this past week, was I spent the whole two terrible days comparing myself to everyone else. And then I realized; the interruption was not my children, it was my attitude.
I am certain that this comparison thing happens all the time with mothers because I've had these conversations before. I started thinking that it was time I got to the bottom of this problem I so often hear talked about. Why do I do this? Is it my pride? Is it selfishness? Discontentment? Is it, possibly, that I want more credit for what I do here?
I don't really know for sure. I do, however know the evils that ensue when I set out to compare myself to everyone else. When I have this attitude, it seems I have less grace for an unruly child. I seem to also be comparing him to Jimmy over there who never argues with his mother. Then again, his mother would never yell! See what I mean? Not a stitch of grace to be found. Comparing myself also completely distracts me from all the beauty there is to be found, even in the imperfect. I also believe that perhaps the most crippling result of this attitude is that it hurts relationships. Specifically, it alienates me from other women. I begin to think that Suzie over there is better than me, so I think I'll avoid her. This is not at all God's design for me, I know.
The reality is that we are all different. This also applies to our children. In a group of very well-behaved children, some are going to be a little more spunky; maybe a little more strong-willed. I have so often stacked my children up to other children; shame on me. The thing is, they are mine and I love them- flawed as they are. Again, my God has shown mercy and grace to me. How can I not show it to my family, myself, and others?
One thing I know, is that I will be trying harder to hold my tongue. I don't need to boast about how productive I am, or how brilliant my children are. My speech should be encouraging, healing, full of grace and truth. That is my goal.
So at the close of quite possibly the longest post ever, if you're still reading, I will say that I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter. It would be a good thing to see this monster coming and have a plan of attack.

Some Words About Guilt and Grace

Guilt has been a big pitfall for me as a mother. I see my children having bad attitudes, and it just makes me so angry. And then I recognize that they are using a tone of voice or gesture that I use. It is so discouraging to find that they have picked up my bad attitudes. Then the guilt comes and I feel like I just can't do anything about the problem. Instead of just confessing my sin, I just continually feel guilty and hopeless about the issue.

This was a real eye-opener for me. It's from A Gospel Primer, by Milton Vincent.
As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my sins, I will be captive to them, and will often find myself re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty. The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin's guilt, he can dominate me with sin's power.
The gospel, however, slays sin at this root point and thereby nullifies sin's power over me. The forgiveness of God, made known to me through the gospel, liberates me from sin's power because it liberates me first from its guilt; and preaching such forgiveness to myself is a practical way of putting the gospel into operation as a nullifier of sin's power in my life.

It's so great to be reminded that as a child of God, I am not captive to sin anymore. I can have victory over sin because of God's forgiveness. How powerful this is in my life as a mother! Letting go of my guilt is so freeing, and allows me to experience God's grace in a very real way.

It's also helpful to remember what my ultimate goal is as wife and mother. My desire should be to further God's kingdom. That's the important stuff, not whether or not I'm becoming a domestic goddess. One of the biggest ways I can teach my children about God is by showing them my need for grace. When I come to them asking for their forgiveness for a harsh word, they can be taught about not only forgiveness, but also their own need for a Savior.

My prayer is that this guilt will no longer be a stumbling block for me, but rather a reminder of God's continual grace in my life.

Jonah

Meet Jonah Timothy Paice, born September 15, 2009.
God is great. I'm so thankful that me and this little gift were safe after the delivery. I approached Jonah's arrival with a lot of fear. Fear for myself and the baby during the delivery, and lots of concern about how I was going to manage another little one in the home. Having been unplanned, the thought of another baby so soon took all of the nine months to get used to. While I was excited to have another baby, I still felt unprepared for this unexpected gift. I say all that to say that God's grace is so amazing. I'm so glad that God is in control and gave me this blessing in my life even though I don't deserve it. I didn't plan for this, but God did, and if He didn't, I wouldn't have Jonah.

Grace and Expectations

Hello again. I've been wanting to post something for so long, but not having the time or let's face it, energy, it has taken a back seat. I am in my 19th week of pregnancy and feeling so much better. There are days when I wonder how in the world I will be able to manage things in the next few months, yet there are also days when my children are delightful, the cleaning gets done and dinner is on the table. There are going to be good days and bad days.
Lately I have been thinking so much about how much God has blessed me. I commented to my husband the other day when he was talking about God's blessing of our children that I feel so undeserving of what He's given me. Then again, when are we ever deserving of His grace? So many things to be thankful for.
Spring is here and with that comes a long list of projects. This is a list that is composed of projects that will get done and some that I will later decide are too lofty. Every year I want a big garden. However, the seeds that survive and don't get gobbled up by birds and actually grow into plants meet their fate of being gobbled up by deer. One year, I carefully planted an herb garden right outside the front door thinking the plants would be safe from the deer. I never considered something would come from under the ground and eat the seeds, but that is what I found- lots of little tunnels in the dirt, but no seeds. It pains me to not be able to accomplish this domestic goal. Especially since my parents and grandparents were always so successful at gardening.
I guess it's a good reminder that I can't do it all. I seem to constantly need this reminder. Sometimes it's in the form of a failed garden, sometimes a failed recipe, and sometimes a soggy load of laundry that didn't make it into the dryer. Over the past few years, I've been able to do less and less. Amazingly, I'm becoming more and more used to that idea, and letting go of my high expectations has freed me up to enjoy other things. Things like watching my oldest ride her bike without training wheels, my son and his amazing zest for life which he gets honestly from his father, and my baby who over the past couple of days has become quite the talker.
This post has been all over the map, but that is life around here lately. Lots of learning and lots of letting go.
By the way, sorry about the candy corn border. I will deal with that later; I'm letting that go.

Where I've Been

It seems like in my life, God is always teaching me about control. About how I really have none and to free myself from all kinds of stress, I have to surrender it to Him.
I've always struggled, especially since I've had children, with worry. I worry about so many things, then I worry that I'll pass this on to my children. I worry so much that over the past couple of years, I've struggled with an occasional rapid heartbeat that the doctor could only conclude was due to a build-up of a stress hormone. I never thought that I'd be the kind of person you'd find breathing into a paper bag.
Anyway, around Christmas, I was feeling so in control. I was having all kinds of domestic fun (my favorite kind) and had all of these plans for the new year. My plans did not include another baby right now. But on the day after New Year's I found out that I am expecting again. This came as a huge shock to my husband and I. While we've always wanted more kids, this was a little sooner than we'd planned. I found my head swimming with all sorts of emotions. The biggest one was fear. I was scared of the morning sickness, of neglecting my children during the rough spots, and of just trying to manage with another baby.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed. But, I am a child of God and I found myself remembering truths from His Word that were such an encouragement. One of the very first things I did after I found out was pray for God's grace. I pleaded with God on my bathroom floor for His grace and mercy. Although I'm not deserving of it, He gave it to me. He has been so faithful to me through all of this. I have been so humbled by what God has done in my life through this unexpected blessing. To Him be the glory.
So that is where I've been. I wasn't sure if I should be honest about this for fear that someone would judge me for not simply embracing and rejoicing about this obvious gift in my life. However, I'm not perfect and I'm just so thankful that God takes me as I am. He didn't turn His back on me when I was struggling to accept His plan. He has brought me to a place of rejoicing from a place of fear and dread. I thank Him for His patience and faithfulness to me. I'm not in control, but my Heavenly Father is.

Ranting and Pondering

Hey there,

The past few weeks have been extremely busy for my family. We pulled off a beautiful and meaningful wedding for my dear sister on October 25. Last week was meant to be spent catching up, but nothing went as planned. I had appointments and interruptions that resulted in me having a meltdown on Saturday. The house was a disheveled heap of laundry, bags still sitting half unpacked from the wedding, dirty dishes that I had been trying to get to all week, and clutter that I had no place for in the disheveled heap. When I recovered from the meltdown, I concluded that I just have to manage my time better. You know, you think you're managing things just fine and you get comfortable and start to relax a little and then, suddenly, it all unravels and you have to start all over again. To top off the weekend, Sunday night my husband mentioned the five Bible verses that we needed to have memorized for today, which I completely forgot. I never even thought about it after the night it was assigned three or so weeks ago. So I've been cramming, which is all too reminiscent of high school.

The past couple days I've been deep in thought about how I can do a better job as a homemaker, teacher to my children, and mother. With all this pondering, thankfully, I am reminded that my purpose is not to have the cleanest house or the best cooking skills as a homemaker, it is to love and train my children for the Glory of God. Why do I not put more thought into that? I thank the Lord that He uses these frustrating times to teach me, because I am definitely still in need of His teaching.

After a good Monday spent doing school, laundry, and little cleaning, things are looking up. We were out super early yesterday morning to vote and have breakfast out before going grocery shopping. As I sat at the restaurant writing my grocery list with a crayon, I thought about how much I really love motherhood. Nothing is perfect, but if I keep my eye on what the real purpose is, perfection doesn't seem so important anymore.

Thanks for reading.

Putting a positive spin on well, a crapper

My hope for this blog is that it is a breath of fresh air, a place where there is no one pretending that they have it all together. Well now is just such that time for honesty.
We are in our second week of homeschooling. It hasn't all been bad; much of it has been good. But ladies, nothing is perfect. Most of my frustration has come from my 3 year old, who seems to have slipped into a second season of the terrible-two's. My son, who is mostly energetic and delightful, has become stubborn, destructive, and has one volume...LOUD. Today was bad. I had just begun the school day. I had read one thing. I opened up one of our history books and he said "Can we be done?" He has asked me this many times over the course of our school time. My answer is always the same "You're not in school, yes, be done, go play." But that is never good enough. He assumes that he must sit there, and today, none of my suggestions of things he could do were accepted. Well, we were battling it out and all the while I'm trying to control my anger (you know, set a good example). Finally, I dissolved into tears and came downstairs, wondering how many days can go into the crapper without us getting behind. I have seen some progress. There are days when I've seen him hold it together when he hasn't gotten his way. But today has been one of those days for me. Even as I've been typing this, Jack, who was supposed to be taking his nap decided he was done with that, and my daughter asked me if I am mad at her and her brother.
Ever since my oldest was a toddler, in the midst of a struggle, many times I have thought about my sin before a Holy God. Any offense against me is nothing compared to my sin before God, and He has forgiven me. It kind of helps put things in perspective. I don't know why I expect so much from them sometimes. I am thankful for the love of God and the example in Jesus, because as frustrated as I can get I love my children so much and I know that doesn't come in and of myself.
So, today was pretty much a loss. If I hurry, I can get some housework done. Looks like we're going to do school on Saturday.

Busy, busy, busy

I am still here, just in case you were wondering. With planning my sister's wedding, Isabelle's birthday coming up, home projects, and diving into homeschooling, there just doesn't seem to be much time left!

It's exciting and a little scary taking on this homeschooling thing, and while we've done some school already, it's time to really kick it into high gear. I'm looking forward to the bonding time it will bring with our daughter, and the teamwork experience my husband and I will share. I am a little unsure about how I'm going to do this with a five month old and a three year old to care for, oh well. I guess they say "necessity is the mother of invention", so I guess I'll just have to dig deep to access that resourceful side I have...somewhere.

Fall time, my favorite time, is upon us and some of the trees in our front yard already have some leaves that are turning yellow. Little things like shopping for fall clothes for my kids and getting out my grandmother's glass pumpkin-shaped cookie jar just make me so happy! Ahh... jacket weather, anyone that knows me knows my love of my jean jacket. Another love of mine, cooking, is also put to use in autumn. I'm making a mental list of all of my favorite fall recipes to share. Provided I can find the time to sit down at the computer.

With all of this stuff on my mind, I've had some frustrating days. Days when I wonder if I should be a parent at all! But then when it seems all hope is lost, I learn something, a hug goes a long way. I mean that. On that uplifting note, I'll go. My kids are asking for a snack.

Honesty

As I was thinking this morning about starting this blog, I was excited about all the interesting things I would discuss here. Things like my favorite recipes and homemaking tips. Then I began to think about how difficult it is to try to be all things to everyone as a mom and homemaker. It is impossible to be good at everything. Sometimes I can feel pretty darn inadequate, especially in today's society with Martha Stewart magazines and all the shows on television about decorating and cooking. I've all but given up trying to keep a house plant alive. Despite what we see around us, we can not be everything; and it seems that when I try to be the perfect homemaker, it's at the expense of time with my children. I as a mother need sometimes to let the housework go, and just enjoy my children. I want to be honest about myself; I'm not perfect and to pretend such is wrong. So as I was sorting out these thoughts, I remembered a poem I once heard. I couldn't remember much about it so I went looking for it. When I found it, it brought tears to my eyes. So I dedicate this post to all my mommy friends; and especially those with newborns or a new one on the way.

Where is the Mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery..blissfully rocking.
Cooking and cleaning can wait 'til tomorrow,
but babies grow up, which I've learned to my sorrow.
So, settle down cobwebs,
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep