A Grateful People

Have we waited far too long to surrender
Forgive us Oh God the years
We failed to seek your face
Oh Lord, your mercy turns us into
Grateful people
We can’t seem to find the words
So take our lives that there might be enough
To tell you how grateful
Lord, we are grateful
from "A Grateful People" by Watermark

The words of that song always come to my mind this time of year. It seems easy to remember to be thankful for the little things. My oldest daughter wrote that she was thankful for clean water, and our doctor. My two year old is thankful for cookies. We do tend to take the simple things for granted. A not so simple thing that I am guilty of forgetting is the mercy of a holy God. What I deserve and what He has given me are two very different things. So thankful.

Wishing you and yours a lovely Thanksgiving. And remember friends, a slice of pumpkin pie counts as a serving of vegetables!

Getting Some Perspective...Once Again.

Losing sight of the goal in parenting can really make you feel despair. I had a day last week where I forgot what my objective was. It seemed all day I was quietly labeling my children as rotten, because there had been so much disobedience. I complained to my husband about them when he got home. Then when all were in bed and one little straggler was resisting sleep, I'd had enough. Rotten, rotten, rotten. I escaped to my bedroom where God graciously brought my thoughts back to where they needed to be. Suddenly it hit me. Why did I want my children to obey? I realized that I was focusing on obedience for convenience sake. When they obey, it makes things easier on me. When they don't deliver, then they are bad and I must be a failure for not getting through to them. And then, there at the very bottom, the only thing left for me to do is demand justice. Someone must pay, whether it is the kids for their mistakes, or me for mine.


It was so humbling for me to come to this realization. What am I hoping to raise? Children who are sinners yet see their need for a Savior? Or little people-pleasers who are self-righteously obeying authority for appearance sake? I want a heart change in my children. Disobedience is a window into what is going on in my children's hearts. It is an opportunity to teach them truth.


When my perspective had changed, I was able to see that I had not been trusting God for my children's lives. Right now, day after day of the same struggles, it is easy to feel like I am not making any progress. However, God is at work, and He will put my feeble attempts to good use. I had forgotten that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Believing that He will equip me to train my children helps keep my perspective right where it should be.

The Best Person Ever

My daughter wrote me this note one night after I had been sick all day. It says she thinks I'm the best person ever. When my children say things like that, it makes me want to really live up to it. However, we all know that those kinds of expectations are unreasonable. Our children already think we're the greatest even though we are filthy stinking sinners that mess up day after day. These little ones know how to give us grace and offer unconditional love with no strings attached. I can learn so much from this.

Grace has become a part of my daily vocabulary. It seems that it is needed in very practical ways in my life as a mother. I was talking to a dear friend on Facebook the other day about rough weeks and feeling unworthy for motherhood. Maybe we can feel unworthy because we are unworthy. I didn't do anything to deserve this wonderful job I have. A job that I always wanted no less. We all have days where we feel completely unqualified to be a mom. The reality of being unworthy should not translate into feelings of guilt or despair. If God is gracious enough to bless us with these children, then surely He will give us the grace we need to bring them up. Grace to know how to train them, to love them, to give up control to Him, and grace to let go of guilt when we mess up.

My daughter will remember that I make the best tea in the world. Above all though, I hope she remembers that I lived a life that shone of the grace of the Almighty, and that these good things in me were only because of His work in my heart.

The Evils of Comparison

As mothers and homemakers, we are very familiar with juggling the balls and wearing the many hats we wear. Sometimes though, something can interrupt that delicate balance. I've had some days like that lately. The interruption for me came when one child was particularly disobedient and the whole day was a turmoil. Then, the following day was a turmoil. I should also add, that this came on the tail end of feeling guilty for things. Things like putting the baby in the play pen to try to get things done, letting my two year old watch Dora for the tenth time, serving another frozen meal. I was just feeling like a bad parent. Sound like a pity party? Yes, but I'm just being honest. Can I just say how incredibly hard it is to school your children with a two year old and a baby in the house? It is so hard. The thing is, I am good at doing the "suck it up and move on" when it comes to the hard things. That works for me. What was so different about this past week, was I spent the whole two terrible days comparing myself to everyone else. And then I realized; the interruption was not my children, it was my attitude.
I am certain that this comparison thing happens all the time with mothers because I've had these conversations before. I started thinking that it was time I got to the bottom of this problem I so often hear talked about. Why do I do this? Is it my pride? Is it selfishness? Discontentment? Is it, possibly, that I want more credit for what I do here?
I don't really know for sure. I do, however know the evils that ensue when I set out to compare myself to everyone else. When I have this attitude, it seems I have less grace for an unruly child. I seem to also be comparing him to Jimmy over there who never argues with his mother. Then again, his mother would never yell! See what I mean? Not a stitch of grace to be found. Comparing myself also completely distracts me from all the beauty there is to be found, even in the imperfect. I also believe that perhaps the most crippling result of this attitude is that it hurts relationships. Specifically, it alienates me from other women. I begin to think that Suzie over there is better than me, so I think I'll avoid her. This is not at all God's design for me, I know.
The reality is that we are all different. This also applies to our children. In a group of very well-behaved children, some are going to be a little more spunky; maybe a little more strong-willed. I have so often stacked my children up to other children; shame on me. The thing is, they are mine and I love them- flawed as they are. Again, my God has shown mercy and grace to me. How can I not show it to my family, myself, and others?
One thing I know, is that I will be trying harder to hold my tongue. I don't need to boast about how productive I am, or how brilliant my children are. My speech should be encouraging, healing, full of grace and truth. That is my goal.
So at the close of quite possibly the longest post ever, if you're still reading, I will say that I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter. It would be a good thing to see this monster coming and have a plan of attack.

Some Words About Guilt and Grace

Guilt has been a big pitfall for me as a mother. I see my children having bad attitudes, and it just makes me so angry. And then I recognize that they are using a tone of voice or gesture that I use. It is so discouraging to find that they have picked up my bad attitudes. Then the guilt comes and I feel like I just can't do anything about the problem. Instead of just confessing my sin, I just continually feel guilty and hopeless about the issue.

This was a real eye-opener for me. It's from A Gospel Primer, by Milton Vincent.
As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my sins, I will be captive to them, and will often find myself re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty. The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin's guilt, he can dominate me with sin's power.
The gospel, however, slays sin at this root point and thereby nullifies sin's power over me. The forgiveness of God, made known to me through the gospel, liberates me from sin's power because it liberates me first from its guilt; and preaching such forgiveness to myself is a practical way of putting the gospel into operation as a nullifier of sin's power in my life.

It's so great to be reminded that as a child of God, I am not captive to sin anymore. I can have victory over sin because of God's forgiveness. How powerful this is in my life as a mother! Letting go of my guilt is so freeing, and allows me to experience God's grace in a very real way.

It's also helpful to remember what my ultimate goal is as wife and mother. My desire should be to further God's kingdom. That's the important stuff, not whether or not I'm becoming a domestic goddess. One of the biggest ways I can teach my children about God is by showing them my need for grace. When I come to them asking for their forgiveness for a harsh word, they can be taught about not only forgiveness, but also their own need for a Savior.

My prayer is that this guilt will no longer be a stumbling block for me, but rather a reminder of God's continual grace in my life.

Jonah

Meet Jonah Timothy Paice, born September 15, 2009.
God is great. I'm so thankful that me and this little gift were safe after the delivery. I approached Jonah's arrival with a lot of fear. Fear for myself and the baby during the delivery, and lots of concern about how I was going to manage another little one in the home. Having been unplanned, the thought of another baby so soon took all of the nine months to get used to. While I was excited to have another baby, I still felt unprepared for this unexpected gift. I say all that to say that God's grace is so amazing. I'm so glad that God is in control and gave me this blessing in my life even though I don't deserve it. I didn't plan for this, but God did, and if He didn't, I wouldn't have Jonah.

Grace and Expectations

Hello again. I've been wanting to post something for so long, but not having the time or let's face it, energy, it has taken a back seat. I am in my 19th week of pregnancy and feeling so much better. There are days when I wonder how in the world I will be able to manage things in the next few months, yet there are also days when my children are delightful, the cleaning gets done and dinner is on the table. There are going to be good days and bad days.
Lately I have been thinking so much about how much God has blessed me. I commented to my husband the other day when he was talking about God's blessing of our children that I feel so undeserving of what He's given me. Then again, when are we ever deserving of His grace? So many things to be thankful for.
Spring is here and with that comes a long list of projects. This is a list that is composed of projects that will get done and some that I will later decide are too lofty. Every year I want a big garden. However, the seeds that survive and don't get gobbled up by birds and actually grow into plants meet their fate of being gobbled up by deer. One year, I carefully planted an herb garden right outside the front door thinking the plants would be safe from the deer. I never considered something would come from under the ground and eat the seeds, but that is what I found- lots of little tunnels in the dirt, but no seeds. It pains me to not be able to accomplish this domestic goal. Especially since my parents and grandparents were always so successful at gardening.
I guess it's a good reminder that I can't do it all. I seem to constantly need this reminder. Sometimes it's in the form of a failed garden, sometimes a failed recipe, and sometimes a soggy load of laundry that didn't make it into the dryer. Over the past few years, I've been able to do less and less. Amazingly, I'm becoming more and more used to that idea, and letting go of my high expectations has freed me up to enjoy other things. Things like watching my oldest ride her bike without training wheels, my son and his amazing zest for life which he gets honestly from his father, and my baby who over the past couple of days has become quite the talker.
This post has been all over the map, but that is life around here lately. Lots of learning and lots of letting go.
By the way, sorry about the candy corn border. I will deal with that later; I'm letting that go.

Where I've Been

It seems like in my life, God is always teaching me about control. About how I really have none and to free myself from all kinds of stress, I have to surrender it to Him.
I've always struggled, especially since I've had children, with worry. I worry about so many things, then I worry that I'll pass this on to my children. I worry so much that over the past couple of years, I've struggled with an occasional rapid heartbeat that the doctor could only conclude was due to a build-up of a stress hormone. I never thought that I'd be the kind of person you'd find breathing into a paper bag.
Anyway, around Christmas, I was feeling so in control. I was having all kinds of domestic fun (my favorite kind) and had all of these plans for the new year. My plans did not include another baby right now. But on the day after New Year's I found out that I am expecting again. This came as a huge shock to my husband and I. While we've always wanted more kids, this was a little sooner than we'd planned. I found my head swimming with all sorts of emotions. The biggest one was fear. I was scared of the morning sickness, of neglecting my children during the rough spots, and of just trying to manage with another baby.
I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed. But, I am a child of God and I found myself remembering truths from His Word that were such an encouragement. One of the very first things I did after I found out was pray for God's grace. I pleaded with God on my bathroom floor for His grace and mercy. Although I'm not deserving of it, He gave it to me. He has been so faithful to me through all of this. I have been so humbled by what God has done in my life through this unexpected blessing. To Him be the glory.
So that is where I've been. I wasn't sure if I should be honest about this for fear that someone would judge me for not simply embracing and rejoicing about this obvious gift in my life. However, I'm not perfect and I'm just so thankful that God takes me as I am. He didn't turn His back on me when I was struggling to accept His plan. He has brought me to a place of rejoicing from a place of fear and dread. I thank Him for His patience and faithfulness to me. I'm not in control, but my Heavenly Father is.